Other crap that's on my mind.

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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

So I'm in a porta potty...

WARNING: This is not for the faint of heart. There. I warned you.

Yesterday, I was planning to meet Aubrey for some crazy workout thing that involved jumping in sand and doing push ups till your arms break off. I was already worried to begin with, but what came next might just haunt me till the day I die.

Because this workout place was in the middle of a park not too far from me, I grabbed my ipod and walked there. 45 minutes later I thought I found the place, but I couldn't find anyone. And then it hit me. My stomach. Oh, my stomach. I needed a bathroom pronto and luckily I saw a sign seconds before pointing to one. So I walked a little faster.

Then Aubrey called. To me it sounded like, "Wah wah wah wah wah" because I was in some bathroom mission haze and just couldn't concentrate. I was pulling on every door in the Visitor Center without any luck. I was getting sweaty - the kind of sweaty that piles up on your forehead when you're about to shit yourself.

I saw that I was kinda in the middle of the park. I didn't hear anyone and for a split second I thought about squatting. I'd use a few leaves I thought. It would be like I was a dog, I thought.

But I just couldn't, because I knew if I did that would be the exact moment a child with a video camera trying to make his Youtube debut would be walking on by.

So, I kept walking and there it was. This shining temple of a porta potty. In reality this could've been a dumpster or a crack den, but at that point all I needed was 4 walls and a pot.

Mind you I'm still on the phone, now quivering because I'm too scared to even think about the porta potty being occupied or closed for repair. But alas, it's open and I tell Aubrey "BYE! I HAVE TO GO NOW!"

I squat and boy, oh boy, this is relief like no other. Like I've climbed to the top of Mount Rainier or I just found out I won a billion dollars in apples. But then, the unthinkable occurs to me. After 5 minutes of squatting, I go for it - the toilet paper, or as I would put it - the two tubes taunting me with nothing but its cardboard tubeness. And I sit there just staring at those tubes, because now what the fuck am I suppossed to do? With tubes? With no toilet paper and a shitty ass to wipe?

AHHHHHHHHHH! I just saw what hell must look like, and it basically looks like a big heaping pile of porta potty shit.

So, I'm scrambling - looking around for anything that could potentially be toilet paper. A sock left behind. A piece of paper. A wrapper from my gum. Anything. I had a towel that was going to be used for the work out, but that was my last resort. The towel was whiter than my teeth and I really didn't want to have to use it.

I'm still squatting at this point and the phone rings again.

"OHMYGODAUBREYDOYOUHAVEANYTOILETPAPERINTHECAR!?!?!?!?"

"Shit, I don't. I have nothing."

"Ugh. Okay, well I'm in the shitter so just come here and I'll meet you soon."

"Where are you?"

And I'm thinking, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I think I actually give her directions - and I have no idea how. I was in such a weird out of body experience by now that I just went with it. I told her to sit tight, I'll be right there, but I need to wipe my ass first and foremost.

And that's when I turn around and see my potential saving grace. The toilet seat cover thingie. Sure 'nof there wasn't any toilet seat covers, but there was the case that they usually come in. And THAT cardboard was easier to rip up then the tube cardboard that had no toilet paper on it. So there I was, frantically ripping up big pieces of cardboard so that I could properly cover my hand and wipe.

And thank god this was one of those poops that magically didn't leave a lot behind. The crisis was slowly coming to an end. I even had enough cardboard to place on the seat since squatting for that long was now making my legs wobbly. I took a seat and contemplated what was happening around me. It was laughable, and scary and I knew it would be a story to tell.

We never did end up finding the crazy workout place so we took a walk around the park instead. I actually found a real bathroom at some point and ran in for a proper wipe and a good hand washing. And then I saw a pretty view of water and mountains and tried to forget the whole thing.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"couldn't spare a square"

8:16 AM  
Blogger Juici said...

I'm sorry to say but that is hilarious. Who hasn't had a horrifying experience like that?! And that's why we're grateful for the little things like toilet paper. :)

5:13 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

The name of your blog just took on a whole new meaning. :)

6:34 PM  
Blogger Sedra Elise said...

HAHAHAHAHAH I love all your blog posts. I almost feel in your situations, and I hope I never encounter a pooping problem like you did.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Stinkypaw said...

When nature calls, one must go! With or without paper, you did answer that call well!

10:47 PM  

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