Other crap that's on my mind.

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

I'm kinda like him.

I always thought I was adopted as a kid. Even some of my friends would ask if I was adopted. I looked nothing like anyone in my family. I towered over all of them by the time I was 14, even my dad. I have small boobs, compared to the behometh breasts the rest of my family has/had. I was the freaky, skinny, tall girl, with good teeth and a nose that didn't need to be fixed. I didn't belong in this family, that's for sure. And then, out of nowhere, as each year passed I saw it. I was looking more and more like him. I have a video of my grandma at the age of 12, and it's actually really creepy to watch, because she's me, but a much smaller version.

The last time I went home, even my friend's mother noticed it. "Oh my god, your hair. You look just like your dad, it's crazy."

This only slighty drives me crazy. But what really drives me nuts is that I act like him. I don't notice it until the bad traits come out. Because honestly, I think I'm nice to people and have become more and more friendly as I've grown up and started to find out who I am and be comfortable with that. And all that niceness, and warmth I have, I believe comes from my mother. Always wanting to hug me, when I pushed her away. Always wanting to hold my hand, when I was too embarrased. Always wanting to talk, when I didn't have the time. Now, of course I do these things. I'm older, wiser maybe, but more importantly I don't care as much if people see me loving my mom.

So, where am I going with this? Right, the bad parts. Well, I do these things and sometimes it almost scares me, because I feel like he put this in me. I can get very mean for no reason. I pace around the house and get frustrated at my roommate for talking too much (but let's be honest here, Steve talks a lot- hehe).

Take yesterday for example. I got angry at my mom because she wants me to name her cat. Now, in all honestly, I think it's strange that she wants me to name her cat. It's her cat. She should name it. I'll probably only see the thing maybe twice a year. I won't love it the way she will. But she wanted me to help her with names regardless, and since we just had a conversation about lawyers and other unmentionables I already felt my head getting hot. I wanted to burst. I wanted to tell her to name her own fucking cat. I don't think I said that exactly, but I know I got angry for no apparent reason. And no, I'm not getting my period. Sometimes this just happens to me. Like the time I threw water in my exes face for no reason. I've been really good about controlling that kind of stuff. To try to think on the bright side, or at least be realistic about things. But every now and then, he creeps in and I get all manic. And I hate it.

I just hate it.


Blogger Mr. Blonde said...

Oh man... do I ever know how you feel!!

My wife (soon to be ex) would use that in fights sometimes. "You're going to end up EXACTLY like your father.. you're half way there already!!"

OOoooohhhhhh... think I was pissed?

12:54 PM  
Blogger marcia said...

You are much more like your mom. Unfortuntely we do have some of each parent in us but you definitely have more of your mom.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It reminds me a little of the brady bunch episode in which Jan realizes that she looks like her aunt...who has grown old and wrinkly...but still has a big heart and is in the end, you know, is kinda peachy-keen.

1:46 PM  

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