As Will Smith would say, I'm going to Miami.

Seeing that it's the Friday before Jesus Eve, it's basically a ghost town around the office. And you know what that means! We all get to leave early! And that basically means.... going to the gym at 1, packing earlier then expected, knitting hats and stick shift cozies while watching the shows I missed yesterday, and getting drunk before I spend a week with the folks.

My art director is too nice. She got me saki shot glasses. They are pretty much awesome and I love them! Don't you love those kind of gifts, where you weren't expecting anything but a card and then low and behold you get saki glasses!! She rocks! The holidays rule! I haven't been depressed once about it! Horray for everything!!!

Let's all pray for warm, sunny weather in Florida. I'm bringing one teeny tiny bathing suit in the hopes that I come back to this frigid state with a tan to mock all the hunters up in Michigan. I'm not even gonna use suntan lotion cause I'm hardcore as you know. And really, if it rains everyday I won't mind one bit because it will still be at least 50 degrees warmer, so take that you fucking state of Michigan! With that said, here are the other things I can't wait to do/see in my good ol' hometown.

1. Apparently my nephew has turned into a badass teenager, and I just want to see the new do. He dyed his hair black and got an earring. Ahh, to be 13 again.
2. Long conversations with the sister. And hopefully it won't be about family nonsense drama. That's so 5 years ago.
3. My mother's glowing face the first time we see eachother.
4. My dad's constant picture taking. It's a little much, but it's a staple in the Arliss family. And it wouldn't be a trip home with at least 9 million photo opportunities.
5. I always like to go to the beach alone and just sit. It's this thing I started doing in college and it's pretty relaxing. I don't know if I reflect or whatever, but I just like to take it all in. Like, I'm not gonna see you for awhile so let's sit and admire this shit.
6. I'm sure I'll see some random friends and probably go to places that I don't really like, but whatever it's part of the process of going home.
7. Honestly, I think I could spend the whole time with my sister and mom and be happy as can be. If only they actually got along.

Okay, that's it. It's 12ish and I'm out folks! I may blog, I may not. But have a Happy Holiday and a safe New Year!!!!!! Love and kisses and all that crap.

Surprise! You suck.

a) Here's a conversation I had with my sister yesterday. This probably sounds exactly like a conversation you have had with someone before.

Sister: When you come home, I have a surprise for you!

Me: What is it?

Sister: I can't tell you. It's a surprise!

Me: Well, then why the fuck did you tell me?

Sister: Because I wanted to let you know.

Me: But I don't know anything. You're really not going to tell me? You're gonna tease me, but not give it up?

Sister: Yes. Love you. Bye!

AHHHHHH! Now my mind is filled with what this surprise could be. And usually, whatever you think it is, it isn't. And most times, you hope it's something truly great and it ends up being something sorta lame. That happens a lot, doesn't it?

So here are the things I think it will be (maya and steve also contributed to this. yay for maya being home!):

-Ipod (yeah right!)
-She's pregnant at the ripe old age of 39!
-She's taking me to a concert.
-We're going somewhere fabulous when she picks me up from the airport.
-She got a raise (but I think she actually did, and she told me this). And she's gonna pay off the 11 grand I owe on my credit card.
-She found me a boyfriend, and he looks like Jake Glyhellhal (sp?). Actually, it is Jake and he's naked and waiting for me by the heated pool. (hehe)
-She figured out a way to control the sun, and for the week that I will be there it'll be 82 degrees and sunny all day every day, until I leave.

b) While driving to work today, the stupid chick in front of me had a license plate that said: ITSALGD (translation: It's all good.) I almost hit her for being such a fucking dumbass.

Gross!

So, I'm not sure who the perv is that wrote 2 comments on yesterday's blog, but geez man, stop watching porn or finding ways to shove things up you because you're gross.

That's really it. I'm going to the doctor in about 20 minutes. Although, of course, my throat isn't as swollen thanks to these remedies I took yesterday:

10 cups of tea. Dahjeeing (or however it's spelled) and some Lemon variety.
2 glasses of orange juice.
3 shots of Airborne.
1 multi vitamin pill.
1 echinachia pill.
1 viatmin C.
Too much water.
Night time pill formed cold medicine.

I've basically been either drinking something or peeing it out.

Hopefully, whatever I still have in me the witch doctor can find the cure by sticking a feather up my butt and perform the ritual sick dance so I can get a tan without coughing up my insides. Super!

Can you feel it? I can feel it!

I'm getting sick. I'm not sure what's worse. The feeling you get before it's full blown sick, or actually being sick. I imagine if there really is a purgatory this is what it would be. Scratchy throat, sorta tired, hands and feet at a constant cold. Basically, I just feel out of it. And I thought it might have to do with the fact that there were at least 5 days of last week where I had fallen asleep at around 4-5am and would wake up at 10ish. I'm assuming this is what Lynsey Lohan felt when she went to the hospital for "exhaustion" otherwise known as "bulemia".

To ward off this upcoming yuckiness, I've been downing those Airborne tablets every three hours and so far they haven't done shit. And I haven't sipped a thing of alcohol since Friday (even when I went to a party on Saturday). Luckily, Maya! is coming to town tomorrow, so most likely I'll be eating soup, watching bad tv and knitting the shit out of things for the remainder of the week. That should cure about anything, I'd say.

I just don't want to be sick when I'm in Florida. Because when I'm home I want to lay at the beach and try to get a tan in 70 degree weather (it's not that easy folks). But if I'm sick I know I'll just sit in front of the TV and hiss at the sun and everything that is the outside world.

With that said, I'm off to the gym. (Mother, I know. I know.)

Did I mention that I lived in Florida?

I'm sorta sick and tired of people being so damn shocked that I'm from Florida. I know, I know. No one ever leaves here. I'm like an alien to you fuckers. And I also realize how polar opposite Florida vs. Michigan is. I always get the same question too. "So why the hell would you move up here?" Everyone from a cold state must think Florida is like heaven, or something. But you'd complain just the same down there. It's too hot all the time. It rains all summer. AND THE OLD PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE! Not to mention all those boys with gel in their hair and florescent lights under their cars.

BUT I just walked outside to grab a few cds out of my car, and the snow was up to here and there and everywhere and well, I couldn't help but really, truly miss my "hometown".

I'll be home in 8 days folks. The beach awaits my pale ass.

This deserves 2 blogs in one day!

MOE'S IS IN DETROIT!!!!!!!!

Of course, Willy's would be more ideal, but I'll take Moe's. If you people have no idea what I'm talking about then I'm so very sorry as Moe's is way more awesome then Zumba's or Chilpolte (which is pure crap by the way, you fucking McDonalds owned motherfuckers who charged me for a side of chips). With California styled huge fuck off burritos, and the friendliest staff ever (whenever anyone walks in, the burrito making staff screams out, "WELCOME TO MOE'S! WELCOME TO MOE'S!"), this was where I probably gained at least 5 of the 10 pounds I gained while living in Atlanta.

Needless to say, I'll be checking out the Detroit venue soon. I hope I still have a buy 10 get one free card in my wallet somewhere. And man oh man, if they carried sweet tea up here I think I'd actually shit myself right in front of everyone.

Thanks Kelly, for bringing this to my attention.

My real name is Ms. Cleo.

So, yesterday I was psychic. Before going out till way too late, I was watching Comedy Central with Steve. Now our guide said that The Chappelle Show was supposed to be on. And then I said, "You know, why aren't they showing Richard Pryor stuff all day long. It should be on right now." And literally, one second he was on the TV. The guide was wrong! Steve and I looked at eachother like holy shit and then he said, "Holy shit! You should buy a lottery ticket right now." And I should've, but I rather spend that dollar towards something useful, like pot. Hehe.

Boys will always be boys.

Open on two 70-year old men. One is using the machine that makes you squeeze your legs in and out, and in and out. The other old man male approaches him.

Guy on machine: You know, I heard this builds muscle on your testicles.

Cut to me, on the machine next to it, thanking God that I don't have my headphones, because this is really weird.

Cut to old man's friend (equally old, if not older): Well, I don't have those anymore, so I guess this machine is useless for me.

Both men erupt in laughter. Fade to black.


*I shit you not, this just happened. And they weren't being quiet about it either. The guy continued to say how he doesn't have anything anymore, and I honestly didn't want to know what "anything" meant so I went to the next machine, satisfied with my eavesdropping for the day.

10 times in a MONTH!

*Name has been changed, because he/she might kill me if I reveal true identity.

So, I was having yet another conversation about farting with Steve and *Maxine, when Maxine said that she only does it 10 times a month.

You heard me right, 10 times a month!

Shit, I just farted 10 times writing that first paragraph.

So, here's the question. Who's normal here? Someone that only farts 10 times a month, or someone who farts 10 times an hour. Oprah says the norm is 14 times a day (not saying that Oprah is fucking god, well she could be having sex with god, but that's none of my business), and sure I exaggerate but I definitely for a fact do it way more than 14 times a day. I'd say on a good day, it's about 25 depending on what I've had for dinner. I couldn't even imagine holding my farts in so that only 10 would squeak out per month. I'd explode! My belly would literally burst open, and you'd probably find a bowl of chili, still hot, waiting for you inside.

And with that, I bid adieu. Another 4 day weekend awaits.

Fucking shit. I hate growing up.

I hate you most of all.
Originally uploaded by barliss2.

I remember when I was between the ages of 8-11, I'd go to the beach and spend the entire day in the ocean. And I wasn't a fucking pussy, I was out there in the deep shit. Sometimes wondering if I had the energy to even swim back because my body would be so pruned that I thought that the salt in the water would literally devour me. But never, ever during those years would I think there would be sharks to bite my little legs off. I was fucking fearless! At 8! Now, I'm 26 and if I go snorkeling for an hour I get panicky. I'll see something that isn't really there and get this instant urge to get the fuck out of the ocean cause god knows what could just eat my fucking head. Weird how you grow up and become a fucking wimp. Thus, here's my list of things that I'm noticing I'm pretty scared of as I get older.

1. Being home alone. I've always been a little weird about this, but it's only right when I go to bed. When my roommate is gone, I always lock my bedroom door thinking to myself that if a burglar comes to get me, at least there will be an extra lock between him, me and rape. Then again, when Steve is home I don't do this. I always assume that if a burglar did come, Steve would karate chop his balls off. This of course wouldn't happen because Steve cries during Extreme Home Makeover.

2. Planes crashing. I'm not scared at all when I'm actually in the plane. I'm more scared of actually seeing one crash while I'm driving. And then I always imagine that when I see this, I'd call CNN or 911 from the side of the road and be like, "Holy fucking shit. Ahhh!"

3. Cars with ladders on their roof. This is the worst. I speed right past these kind of cars/trucks because I always think the ladder is gonna fly off the car, through my window and slice my face in two. So yeah, I just drive right past those folks. Which is probably for the best anyway, because don't those drivers always seem really tired and/or drunk?

4. Dunkin Donuts. The only reason for this is because I once found a pube in a donut when I was in high school. Ever since, the only donuts I really can eat are Entemanns (sp?) and honestly I haven't touched one of those in about 2 years.

Yep, so I don't think I'm too weird. I'm pretty sure this comes with age and watching too many Unsolved Mysteries at night.

3 day weeks.

I have 4 day weekends for the rest of this month. So, for anyone that's complaining about my lack of blogging (Mark), well, now you know why. I can't sit at my computer all day long when I'm not at work. I have to do things, like drink and go to the gym when no one is there. I have to watch lots of cartoons. And I have to go shopping for see-through tops so boys can see my boobies. I have to see Jesus is Magic, and then hear a whole fucking commentary from the retards behind me when they don't understand every single Sarah Silverman joke (wait for this movie when it comes on DVD). Then I have to knit and hang out with some friends. And I have to eat Thai on Main for free. And then after that, I have to eat apples, take out the garbage and figure out what's wrong with the high speed internet at home. I then have to watch more cartoons, try not to smoke cigarettes, put on my fingerless gloves, buy really pretty yarn and double pointed needles and sleep. So, if I'm not blogging, I'm probably doing one of those things, okay? Okay?!

I don't really know Chuck Norris or anything.

I'm pretty sure anyone who reads this (except for the Mommy and the Sister, so that leaves the other 3 of you) have seen this:

30 Random Facts

I can't pinpoint why this is so hysterical. And why anything even remotely related to Chuck Norris is pee in your pants funny. It just is. I actually thought Conan O'brien was losing his touch until he started the Chuck Norris clips. You mention his name and smiles/snickers come to peoples faces. It's contagious. You'd think all this ridicule would lead him to roundkick himself in the head and end it all. But he just goes with the flow, because he's fucking Chuck Norris! Sure, he's sorta like Steven Segal without the tan. But have you even seen an episode of that Ranger show Norris is on? It's worse than Shark Attack 3: Megalodon! But worse in a holy shit, he did not get paid money to do that and is now living off of the royalities!

I almost wrote 10 random facts about me, but they wouldn't be funny. They'd be lame. Because I don't know how to dropkick. I can't kill anyone or solve crimes. And I'm by no means completely, fucking badass in a B Hollywood type of way.

With that said, I have another 4 day weekend folks! Let the drinking begin in 3...2...drunk.