Other crap that's on my mind.

A website about things you probably don't care about, but I do so shove it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ready. Set. WORK!

But first, let's blog!

I've discovered a serious trend in my life. Besides going to Portfolio Center, I've never had a group of friends who were all friends with eachother. I'm weird like that. I always want all my friends to meet and all love eachother, but it never works out (even though they would all get along fabulously). So, let's dissect the leaders of the Detroit pack.

1. Steve- My roommate. Maya's boyfriend. He's my activity friend. Which means, if I want to go to the park or run around Ferndale or go hopping fences, he's there doing all those things with me.

2. Devin- My drinking buddy. He's the one I go out with till 5am, and then I leave and he keeps going out. He's what you'd call a hipster. We go to concerts together. We go to bars together. Anything related to all things night, (except for that) we do together.

3. Oconnell- My movie friend. He's the guy I go to when I want to watch too much TV and eat really bad food, like Cherry Garcia and kit kat bites (which are very addictive) and sit by his fireplace. His fireplace is pretty much awesome and I wish I had one.

4. Kelly- She's my grocery store/miscellaneous friend. I kid with her all the time, because I never really see her unless I go to Trader Joe's or Borders. We usually gossip how girls do. And we've discovered that after being friends for 4 years, we pretty much have nothing in common except that we're girls and because of that sometimes we can be silly.

Okay, enough of that. Now let's talk about my YMCA CRUSH! So, I saw this guy a few months back and in the looks department he was just my type. And he wasn't one of those body builder Y guys. And I always noticed he's reading good magazines and newspapers (that equals smart in case you didn't know). Every time I see him, I have to wipe the drool from my face pretending it's sweat. And finally, yesterday he used a machine right next to mine. We didn't say a word to eachother of course, because twenty somethings don't talk to eachother at the gym- only people over 50 do that, it's a rule at the Y, right under the picture of Jesus. So when I got off the ellipitical to use the treadmill, I was just thinking SPEAK! SPEAK! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!! Now, I was on the treadmill and he gets off the ellipitical and walks past me. I glance up for a second and he gave me a smile. I have no idea if I smiled back. I'm pretty sure I just looked stunned. Or sweaty.

Steve told me I have to talk to this guy. That I'll regret it if I don't. But I don't talk to strangers. And plus, if he sucks or if he's gay or if he has a really weird voice then the whole crush fantasy I have of him is completely ruined. Blah blah, but I'll never know unless I do something. But guess what, I'm a total chicken shit. Ahhhhhhh!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Lunch Break!

The following are reasons why I'm not a hipster:

1. Although, people may think I'm cool and/or have told me this from time to time (apparently Kelly's friends have said this about me. I keep telling her they should meet me first before jumping to conclusions.), I quite honestly think they are all smoking crack, because really I'm a fucking dork. I mean I watch Degrassi: The Next Generation for fucks sake!

2. I can't dress cool if my life depended on it. I blame my mom for wearing so much tie-dye. Because in my closet, you'll find a decent mix of dashekees, black boots and jeans that are either way too tight or too baggy. I could be wearing all three at the same time and not have a clue that people are pointing and laughing.

3. While I have a good ear for music, and appreciate all kinds (yes, even country and metal), I couldn't tell you what's hip now or when that band is playing in my town. I just go with the flow. I get cds all the time, because yes, I have a few hipster friends and they are good to me. But really, I go with what I like and could give a shit if you think it's cool or not. Meanwhile, someone is always telling me that some good band is playing, and I'm usually there, unless it's Coldplay because I don't have a boyfriend or the ability to sway back and forth.

4. I can't go out past 5am. I'm not sure if hipsters are doing this because they think they're cool or because they do too many drugs or both. But don't people like to sleep? I know I do. I know that most likely if it's past 3am, I'm probably not having that much fun anymore. I'm just trying to get sober so I can go home. But I know some people that push themselves to stay up till 8. And I hope they don't think they're cool because of this, because they aren't. They're just tired.

5. I'm not very good at following trends. I hated capri's when they came out. I don't really like uggs and definitely couldn't part with a hundred dollars for any pair of shoes. And I could give a shit if Paris Hilton and other crap celebrities will be at some bar in Detroit this week because it's the Superbowl. I just don't care. And the fact that some people are spending thousands of dollars to just be near a celebrity this week actually makes me nauseous.

Lazy Weekend.

When I woke up on Friday, I knew right away I wasn't gonna do shit this weekend. I didn't want to go out until 5 and spend money and drink too much and blah blah. I've been doing that every weekend for the last 6 months, and I wanted a break. So, here's what I did instead.

Friday: Cleaned the house. Got groceries. Walked around Royal Oak. Went to Borders and then spent at least 6 hours watching movies at Oconnell's house. Fell asleep at 4.

Saturday: Woke up at around 11. Watched about an hour of TV. Got crazy exhausted and took a nap till 3. Finally brushed my teeth and washed my face. Steve and I then hopped a fence to use the nearby school's new and improved track. We ran around it for an hour or so. We proceeded to sit on the couch and watch lots and lots of TV. Put ice on injured elbow. Spilled melted ice all over couch. Drank wine so slowly I never felt a buzz. Took a shower at around midnight. Fell asleep at 2.

Sunday: Woke up at 10ish. Watched more TV. Went to the gym. Walked around Ferndale, wanting to buy things but kept reminding myself not to buy things. That worked. Sat on my butt either fiddling with the internet or watching TV until I fell asleep at 12.

Man, doing nothing can be exhausting sometimes.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Thing 1: I just watched Lost last night, and I'm sad to report that it was the first episode I've seen that officially sucked. I never liked Charlie anyway, so I hope he dies soon from a herion overdose.

Thing 2: My mom just informed me that I need to get laid. And I'm totally not joking.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

At least it's sunny outside, right?

Instead of writing a bunch of nonsense leading up to a list, I'll just start the stupid list:

Pros of being single:

1. No fights. Ever. Sure, the first few months are totally awesome, then out of nowhere he does something stupid that pisses you off that wouldn't have pissed you off at month 2, but since it's month 14 his farts don't smell as sweet and now you have to yell about it. Or even worse yell about it in front of other people, i.e. your friends, which is never fun for either the friend or the couple. When you're single, you don't fight with anyone. It's totally friggin' awesome! If you didn't do the dishes, who fucking cares! If you forgot to pick something up, oh well, you'll do it tomorrow! Fucking righteous!

2. No compromising. I'm just a tad on the selffish side. I blame my mother for not having children closer in age for me to play with. Ex: The other day someone asked me why I wouldn't consider moving to St. Louis. I said because I decided that I know what I want in life, and that's to not live in frigid cold weather anymore. So basically that's anywhere on the East and anywhere remotely near Michigan. I have no ties. I can make friends easily anywhere. I have nothing holding me back. If I want to only rent from the comedy section of Blockbuster, I shouldn't have to make a deal that I'll also rent an action movie just to make things fair between the two of us. FYI: I had to do that A LOT and it always sorta bothered me as I don't like action movies.

3. I don't have to like anyone. Getting along with your boyfriends' friends seems to be a big deal with girls. I can get along with almost anyone if you just talk to me and/or you don't think you're too cool. But if you don't like me for whatever reason, I'm not gonna pretend to like you just because I'm dating your friend. It's a never ending cycle that just ends up leading to the friends always winning, and the girl packing her bags. Even if his friends are totally weird and consistently use your now ex-boyfriend.

4. I don't have to let anyone know where I am. Sure, if I disappeared no one would really notice for 2 days (and that's only because my work isn't strict on coming into the office, I'm not into calling people just to chat and feel important when I'm alone at Borders, and my roommate would just assume I was out drinking with Devin). But if I don't need to tell you when I get off work so we can prepare dinner so we can watch that movie so we can....

5. No worrying about if and when we'll actually break up. If fact, no worrying at all.

Cons of being single:

1. There's no one to tell you you're awesome. You make them laugh. You're so smart. You look so cute in the morning....

2. There's no one to be completely honest with. Because if you were this honest to your friends you probably wouldn't have any.

3. There's no one to cuddle with on a Saturday morning.

4. There's no one who always wants to be with you.

5. And all that other good stuff.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I like the bitch.

I had to watch another Bachelor: Paris yesterday. I put a gun to my own head and made myself watch it.

Did anyone else watch how the one girl with brown hair with the interesting name, Mareno or Marineo or something with a M was being portrayed as a bitch? When really she's the only one who's being real and thinking like a normal person. One girl actually CRIED because she thought it was unfair that the M girl didn't have true feelings for the bachelor when SHE DID! The M girl even pointed out how it's physically impossible for her to fall in love with someone after only hanging out with him for 10 minutes. I'm glad someone is thinking clearly. But she ends up looking like the weird one when she's amongst all the crazy psychos that are in love with him after just one fucking date. Ahhhhh. I could go on and on about this, but it would just make me more mad that I'm a decent, not crazy person still single after ohhhh a year and a half. And yet these crazy bitches are getting matched up with some hunk doctor on fucking television. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing!

So, instead of thinking about how I'll be single and living with cats for the rest of my life, I'm going to work on work and go out tonight way too late and probably dance around, hopefully with boys.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm procrastinating therefore I am.

Things I notice at the YMCA:

1. I feel sorta funny getting all sweaty when there are Jesus pictures on the walls.

2. There's an overweight guy there, who is trying his hardest to get into shape. But he uses all the machines wrong, and with too much gusto. He's the type who's always slamming the barbells down and making lots of grunting noises. And I'm almost certain he doesn't wear underwear. In fact, yes, he doesn't, because one time when he was using a machine he bent forward and it was a classic plumbers butt crack moment. Hide the kids. Cover thy eyes.

3. Orgasm guy hasn't been around for a few months. This makes me just a little sad.

4. I have a secret gym crush on this guy, who I can't determine if he's married or not, but he's always reading a newspaper and stretching a lot. And I doubt he's ever seen me. As there are much prettier girls at the gym. And they are always wearing tight things. And me, I just get all sweaty and read. I will most likely never say a single word to secret gym crush guy. Thus goes life.

5. I think I actually hate all the people that work at the YMCA. They bother me with every last being. They talk too loud and wear tacky shirts and really just take up space.

6. Is it necessary to talk to a person in a sauna if it's just the two of you, when the limit should actually just be one at a time because the sauna is way too small and claustrophobic?

7. Cleaning the equipment after use is completely pointless, when the towel they give you is soaked in what you hope is some type of cleaning solution, but for all you know it could be and most likely is sweat.

8. 90% of the time all the TVs are programmed to the same channel. It's either ESPN or CNN. People, let's not think so highly of ourselves? You know you want to watch Wheel of Fortune or Friends like the rest of us.

9. For some reason you can't just get a free towel. You have to sign your name and then ask for one. They only do this because awhile ago some old people were stealing the free towels. And I'm only assuming it was old people, because aren't old people always stealing things? Anyway, once you're done with the free towel you're supposed to throw it in this big gross bin of other sweaty towels and sign your name out. Except you have to bypass a group of people that are usually blocking the sheets, go through about 20 sheets of paper, remember where you signed your name and finally cross it off. I did this for awhile, when I realized that I doubt these people are actually going through these sheets everyday to track who's taking towels. So now I don't do anything. I refuse their stupid towel process and just demand my towel and pretend to sign things. It eliminates the little frustrations I have to endure in life.

10. The Y just purchased a bunch of new elliptical machines. And everyday for the last two weeks, I've heard someone say, "Hey, this is new." No shit. See the red bow on the front? See how it's not covered in sweat? See how it shines with newness? You're a fucking genius, now shut up so I can read my book in peace you jackass.

P.S. I'm not really this mean when I work out.

Short weekend.

This was my first normal weekend in about 2 months. Normal being I just had Saturday and Sunday off. No extra Monday, or Friday or Winter Break type stuff. No sir. It went by much too fast, that's for sure.

Friday: Fiddled around on the internet, and realized that by 10 I hadn't really done anything except for the laundry. So Steve and I went to rent 40 Year Old Virgin and Hustle and Flow. We probably watched the You know how I know you're gay scene about 5 times, because it was that funny.

Saturday: We've had some random nice days this winter, and Saturday was one of them. Not too cold, and sunny! So I couldn't pass it up. I had to be outside. I went to Have you Any Wool to buy yarn for the sister's purse and then off to the park with Steve I went. Then, we went to the grocery store and for some reason I became overwhelmed with exhaustion. Maybe it's the smell of garbage at the Farmer Jack when you first walk in that makes me tired, or the fact that this certain grocery store just depresses me with their bright lights and non-Publix attitude. (I miss Publix) And also Steve takes much too long at the grocery store. Even if I'm buying 60 dollars worth of food, I'm usually out of there within 20 minutes. But with Steve, you have to commit at least an hour of determining which product is the cheapest and lots of going back for stuff he thinks he forgot. It's all okay though. I just start wandering the aisles and talk to strangers about frozen food, and somehow we meet at the counter with all our limbs in tact.

Then I took a nap and awoke to a pretty awesome lasagna and salad prepared by Steve, because he can cook and I can't.

And then, Devin, Dylan and Sarah came to pick us up so we can bowl our booties off! But before we took off, Devin shook the magic 8 ball and kept saying, "Uh oh" (I only say this, because creepy foreshadowing shit happened)

We basically got trashed and broke the bowling lane (No, really. We did. I think I might have started it, but Dylan actually broke the lane. Oops!) And then quickly left the lane we had broken to go to another bar, and got even more drunk. Damn those red headed sluts (not an actual person, but a shot with jager in it- i think)!

The bar kicked us out, and luckily Devin was sober and drove us all home. About an hour later, I got a call. By now I'm already passed out, and not even sure how I got in my pjs but all I know is that I picked up the phone and Devin said something about being in a car accident. This all seemed like a dream to me. I don't remember really talking to him, only him telling me about a car accident and that was it. I'm always scared people will call me when I'm in this state of unconsciousness because I'm likely to say things like, "Did you know I love you? or Kangoroos are pretty much the coolest!" I doubt I said any of these things to him, but I'm sure I didn't make any sense. Either way, the next day I come to find that Devin was hit by a guy running a red light and was basically slammed into a wall, car totalled and all. Luckily, he escaped with absolutely no injuries, but scary nonetheless. He wasn't intoxicated and for some reason the cops didn't do a breathalizer test on the guy who caused the accident, but everyone was okay. Whew.

Sunday: Went shopping around Royal Oak with Kelly. Pitaya is now my new favorite cheap store. I've basically bought something from there on a monthly basis. If you have one near you, go to it and give it business.

On a side note: Just the Two of Us by Bill Withers is playing right now on my itunes and I really want to dance around my office like something out of a cheesy 70's movie. But I can't because then Philip, the dude across from me, would laugh and probably tell people. Ho hum.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Toothpaste for Lunch.


1. Anyone who is a regular toothpastefordinner.com visitor will most likely attempt to draw their own toothpastefordinner observation. So far I know two people who have done this. I am one of them.

2. If I go in the left lane for the sole purpose of going faster, 9 times out of 10, I hit a red light and end up nowhere.

3. I don't drink any water at work, but when I get home I become a drinking water machine.

4. I can sing all the words to some songs sung by Buena Vista Social Club, but I don't know at all what any of the words mean because they sing in Spanish.

5. I barely ever drink coffee. But when I do, I literally chug it down in like 2 seconds. And proceed to tip the cup back as far as possible to drink the sugar sludge at the very bottom, because that is the best part of the coffee anyway.

6. No matter how much I try to tidy up my office, it's a perpetual mess.

7. I think I'm the only person in the world that can't whistle.

8. Even if I do the same thing to my hair everyday, it will never ever look the way I want it to.

9. Yesterday, at the gym, I sweat more then I've ever sweated from doing the same exercises I normally do. Weird.

10. I don't think there is anyone I know that really knows me.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Money isn't everything. Okay, I'm totally lying.

My blog is worth $1,129.08.
How much is your blog worth?

Now, the only conclusion that I can come up with for the fact that my blog is worth more than a dollar is that I have those little ads to the right. And everytime someone clicks on one of those said ads (mom, do this!) I make a few pennies here and there. I haven't seen a check yet, because you need to rack up $25 or more to actually make the money. So really, it's sorta pointless. Just a distraction from the words you see here.

But then I tried other blogs.

Dooce.com is worth like 3 million! Go figure. She's in a magazine almost monthly about something that's happened years ago. You can tell she's pretty sick of that claim to fame, but whatever. Her and her husband don't have to work in offices anymore. Lucky!

Nataliedee.com wasn't worth anything??? That was real confusing as I think she's pretty damn funny, and she even sells merch.

But her husband, Toothpastefordinner.com is worth over a million. He also sells merch, and he's also pretty funny, but I'd say he's pretty equal compared to his wife. Maybe it's because she's a woman! No, I know that's not it.

And of course, Mayarn.com who I actually yet again stole this cool little thing from, isn't worth a dime. But I think that's just because she doesn't advertise. Because she definitely has a lot more readers than I do. It's that whole knitting thing she's got going for her. Hehe.

P.S. Lost has been pretty darn good this season. What is going on with Zeek and now this militia Jack is forming? Steve was getting pretty mad that Jack didn't have an ongoing debate with Zeek filled with questions and essay written exams, but as I've told Steve time and time again, "This is just a show!" We can't have any sort of logic in this show. If there was logic, there would be clear cut answers and well, then Lost would just be boring.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Girls are fucking pathetic. I could be one of them.

I apparently watched The Bachelor on Monday with Steve, but don't really have a recollection of it because I had just gotten back from the usual weekday drinking/gossiping with Devin thing that we do. So, I had to rewatch it yesterday (which didn't make Steve very happy) and let me tell you, I felt bad for these pretty girls. From the outside they all looked like they could easily snag a guy. A handsome guy with probably lots of money and a tiny penis, but still, you can't always get what you want, right?

Anyway, these girls were so stupid they made me sad. Each and every one of them were so convinced that this random guy was the ONE. How? How the fuck is that possible??? The people at ABC don't horde all these perfect guys, just to release them for television purposes only. These girls are so blindsided it makes me mad. More than 2 of them said, that their "dream" was that this Bachelor, who they've maybe had a total of 10 minutes of talking time with, proposed in Paris so they could live happily ever after!!

Did these girls ever even think for one second that this guy could be a tool? Or that he could have no personality, or not like the same things they like? I mean, he is on TV looking for a girl? Probably the saddest form of dating ever! And he's cute and stuff? Why does he need to go on TV anyway? Why isn't he finding girls the normal way? Why is he so desperate too? The fact that these girls actually believe, that without even knowing him, that he's the ONE makes me think they should make it illegal for stupid people to get married.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Naked ladies creep me out.

I just got back from the Y (M C A! Do the hand motion folks!)and had to immediately warn each and every one of you of this horrible epidemic going on in our locker rooms.

Naked 40 somethings just walking around.

It's so super weird. I mean, I'm all for people taking showers after a work out. I do that at home of course, but I've done it once or twice if I went swimming or something. BUT (notice how big that but is!) I never walk around the locker room completely in the nude. I'm the girl behind the shower curtained area where modest woman go to change. I'm the one that if I ever do need to take a shower at the gym, I bring a towel and cover myself at all times. Not because I'm shy or don't want other woman to see me. But just because that's what you should do when you're in the company of other people.

So, when I see 3 woman just "hanging out" in the ladies locker room, talking, gabbing if you will, with eachother I kinda got the impression that this was just plain strange. So strange in fact that this is the first time in awhile that I've blogged post work. THAT'S HOW UNCOMFORTABLE I FELT!

I was probably in there for a total of 2 minutes, but in those 2 minutes I saw drooping boobs and bushes the size of actual bushes. It was fucking nasty. Someone hand these middle aged woman a pair of scissors. Ah, and all those butt cracks! I swear, this scene could possibly turn a lesbian straight. It was that bad.

But then the worst part was that I had to pass this naked trio. And two of them were standing, blocking the clear path to the door. My only way out of this naked locker room! And I couldn't get past this saggy ass. She quite literally had her hands on her hips, with her legs spread apart so that if pubes wanted to fall they'd probably make a nice little pile right below her onto the ground. And with one quick move I sorta slid by, without saying excuse me or anything. I sorta felt, anyone that naked doesn't really need an excuse me. They just need clothes!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Let's celebrate shit!

Whilst reading Maya's blog today, I realized I missed my blogiversary! I'm sorry blog. We've been together since December 15, 2004 and I forgot to get you a card, cologne and your favorite book. My bad. I'll make it up to you on year two, I promise.

So, now I'll steal a little more from Maya's blog as I'm at the studio today and don't have total freedom to write like I usually would.

Here are just a few monumental events that have happened since I created you sweet loving blog.

1. I got my first real adult job.
2. And then I quickly realized that my first real adult job totally fucking sucked and I hated every single second of it.
3. So, I got me another job.
4. And this one is hands down without a doubt, way way better. Take that old job!
5. I made lots of new friends. Friends I know I'll be in touch with for a long time (even when they leave me, which as of date 3 have left)
6. I've moved twice.
7. I've been to places in Michigan that I never knew existed and to be quite honest, I enjoyed them.
8. And on that note, I discovered that there are things to love about Michigan. Like lots of music and feather bowling!
9. But I did realize I will forever hate the cold. That will never change. And thus, my next move is somewhere out West. (I hope)
10. Oh yeah, and I totally got over my ex-boyfriend. So much so, that I didn't even remember this until number 10.
11. I dated a little. Which I'm not a fan of, but I'm willing to try new things, so yeah.
12. That taking 2 shots of tequila is never a good idea. Especially when I already had a few beers and some cranberry vodkas.
13. And my parents divorce. Which I won't say anything about, except that this will forever change my life for the better.

So yeah. Pretty big stuff. Maybe not as big as planning a wedding or having a baby, but as of yet I don't want either of those anyway, so jobs/moving/divorcing are all pretty damn big to me.

Happy 1 year and 26 days Blog! I love you to pieces and shit.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Secrets and Lies.

Basically my whole life has been surrounded with lots of secrets and even more lies. I always knew there was something wrong with my family. Sure, everyone has problems, but the problems we had were always a little different. I guarantee my family can beat your family in the crazy/weird story department. Sure, you might have a bastard brother or some huge blow out fight that one time when you were young or someone doesn't get along with the in-laws. Maybe even someone went to jail. Oooh!! Crazy!!! But so far I haven't heard a story yet that compares to the mess that's been my life. I think that's how I got so good at lying during my formative years in high school, and possibly how I became a writer in Advertising now. You want this unbelievable product as this unbelievable price, well now you can! See, it's all pretty easy.

(Mom don't be angry at what I'm about to say, as I was young and I'm pretty sure every 16 year old does this.)

I used to lie a lot in high school. But I did so well in school (I was also pretty good at cheating), and I never skipped classes (I think I got one detention in all 4 years!) that I usually left the lying for the weekends and always figured the white lies wouldn't hurt anyone. But then, I'd just lie because that's what came out of my mouth and sometimes like zits, I had no control.

"Mom, I'm going to the mall with Jen." But I'd really be going with Jaime.

"I'm sleeping over at so and so's." When really I was going to a party and probably sleeping at said party.

"I'll be out late. Don't wait up." I'd be going on a gambling cruise with alcohol involved. Or I was going to the beach to make out with some boy who would just lick my face. Blech. Boys, don't do this.

"Hi. Mom. Sorry. It's. So. Late. But. Is. It. All. Right. If. I. Spend. The. Night. At. Alexi's." I was most likely really fucked up. I think one time, I actually had my friend Jaime call my mom with some excuse that I had fallen asleep during a movie, when I was really getting trashed.

Then, I'd have to lie A LOT about hanging out with my sister. Usually, she was a "friend" I'd see on the weekends. I always wondered if my dad thought I was a lesbian or a slut for constantly staying at some random person's house when I should be visiting them. But he never asked questions, and I was relieved as once I got out of the 16 year old lying stage I quickly got annoyed with it all and realized that telling the truth is much, much easier as I don't have the best of memories and keeping up with all the lies can almost be like a second job.

Now, I'm pretty darn honest. And sometimes it gets the better of me. (Don't ask me if you're fat or what I think of your girlfriend if you want the truth. If you want a lie, ask everyone else.) So, because I am so honest, I've been asked to not go into details about certain things about me and my families matters on this blog. This, of course, sorta sucks for me because I know only a handful of people who actually read this so what does it matter if I say that I used to ask my Grandma if she ever smoked the reefer, when I knew that she was clearly senile and had no idea what reefer meant? It really doesn't matter, but I love certain people more in life than this blog so for that I guess some things will have to be left unsaid.

Happy Monday. By the week's end I'll be 27!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Auf Wiedersehen

So, another friend is leaving me. I came to Detroit and for the first 6 months, I was basically depressed and then I made all these amazing friends and got myself all happy and shit. Then, one by one, these friends started leaving me. Why oh why! I should be going with you. But I have this job I actually sorta like. Sure, I'll take another job somewhere (anyone hiring? hehe) but only if it comes to me. I, for once in maybe 3 years, don't want to have to hunt for a job.

So Nicole, I know you'll never read this until Leo reads it and then tells you to read it, but this one's for you.

My memories of Intarsia (her nickname) go a little something like this:

1. Bringing back the word stool. I will never look at my poop the same way again thanks to her.
2. The start of the knitting night. Me, Nicole, Maya and a little something called Anne of Green Gables.
3. ABORT! (inside joke that's possibly dooceable)
4. Concepting for about 10 minutes and coming up with pretty awesome stuff that would never get sold.
5. Simon loving what Nancy hated. Oh, how we laughed.
6. Nicole made me kiss her her on her birthday. (Uh oh, my birthday's coming up!)
7. Almost passing out before The Aristocats. Sorry.
8. The crush told Nicole, "If he doesn't like Barrie then he must be gay!"
9. Ted Leo concerts!!!!
10. Punky Brewster, eating lunches outside, going to the park and the fact that she'll always be my flaky friend.

Peace out Nicole.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

I hate you!

I hate you fuckers!
Originally uploaded by barliss2.
I'm not a resolution kinda gal. I believe I'll quit doing something on my own time, not just because it's Jan. 1. In fact, that just seems stupid really. Ooh, it's Jan. 1, time to stop smoking crack! Why couldn't you stop smoking crack on Feb. 23? It doesn't make sense to me.

So, when I go to the Y and I have to wait 10 minutes because every bike, treadmill AND ellipitcal machine is being used I blame all the fucking fat fucks who think that this year there resolution is to lose that Christmas weight they've been packing for the last 10 years. YOU PEOPLE DRIVE ME CRAZY! Especially, when come February, more than half of you will be gone. Why waste your time? Why even think you're gonna do it? Let me, the orgasm guy and the chick that clearly doesn't wear underwear have our gym to ourselves! We belong here and you fucking resolution assholes don't. You're not fooling anyone. You'll always be overweight. You'll always eat doritos and pizza and wonder why you can't walk up a simple flight of stairs. So stop pretending that just because it's the start of 2006 you're really gonna do it this time. Because you won't. You're weak and you suck because you're taking up perfectly good space at my gym.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

And you thought I wasn't gonna blog as much.

Three things I learned yesterday:

1. Maya is basically totally fucking awesome. I had just bought a bunch of needles, and asked Maya the day before if she could "help" me with this stick shift cozie my friend Mike had asked me to do for his Mini Cooper. I hadn't the faintest idea on how to do this, and knew that I'd spend hours/days/months doing it over and over again. But Maya just looked at the baby mitten I gave her as a reference and voila a stick shift cozie was born after only like 10 minutes. I immediately saw that this was a genius idea and wrote to Butler, Shine and Stern about how they should use this as their next "witty" ad for Mini in such magazines like Readymade and Bust. I'm hoping they contact me soon, as I'm sure Maya, Mike and I could all use the money and notority. hehe.

2. I should never, ever bring oranges to work. Because they are 50 times messier than apples. I tried to peel the oranges' shell and bam! (Emeril sound effects belong here) orange bits and juices fly all over. All over my hair, my clothes, my face. I felt like I just gave the orange a blowjob and he forgot to tell me when he was gonna "go".

3. I'm starting to write an actual book. Who knows what it will really turn into, but so far I have 11 pages and realize I'm only just cutting the surface here. I know I have 300 pages worth of stuff for you to read and properly critique. I was never big on writing long stories. I was strictly a get to the point/short story/blogger kind of gal. Even in the way I talk to people, is usually short and to the point. Devin has made fun of me time and time again, about how I talk to him on the phone. I'm very quick to say good-bye. Kelly is usually shocked when we have conversations lastly more then 10 minutes. Anyway, where am I going with this? Right, I've never in my life wrote 11 pages of anything, and it just flowed out of me. This is huge folks (at least for me). And I don't see me stopping anytime soon.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I'll crush you!

One of the things I did whilst home (besides witnessing my parents demise) was go through my closet and purge a lot of stuff that were my "memories". But for the life of me I couldn't remember shit. Thus, I had about 7 garbage bags full of crap. Here are just some of the things I found:

-Hemp Rolling Papers
-A Zima bottle (I'm sure there was a Jolly Rancher in there, but it's long gone dissolved by now)
-My cap and gown from graduation, which Jen told me I was supposed to return right after the special day. Oops! (mom, I think this makes up for the money they never returned to you. haha!)
-A bagful of Babysitters Club stickers (I was a member of their fan club!!! And owned like at least a hundred of their books!)
-And then I found the cutest thing ever. Remember when you were in elementary school, and come Valentine's Day you'd have to stick a bag in front of your desk so that your classmates could put their pre-made Barbie or GI Joe love note with an unreadable signature inside said bag? Well, I'm looking over these notes and I come across one that says:

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I bet you didn't know
I have a crush on you.

And this was done in nice, Mom-like handwriting. Oh, it broke my heart- it was just so adorable. Of course he didn't leave a name or anything. Just my luck, huh?! Boys- go grab your balls! If you like someone, even at the age of 5- tell them!! Because you never know. I make an ass of myself almost monthly, but at least I know!!

Anyway, that's it. There was definitely other jems inside my closet, like a booklet I used to use to play "Secretary" with- complete with bills and spreadsheets, but it's the first day of work folks and I'm sure I've got stuff to do.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Free at last!

Okay, so I think I have to get this out now and not at work tomorrow.

My parents are getting a divorce!! (The exclamation points are to note the excitement of this action and also for the fact that my mom might not be too happy that I'm letting you and you know about this.)

This is a long time coming, and I'm relieved for my mom's sake. One day I'll write a Sedaris/Eggers type book about all drama that is my life, but for now all you need to know is that HORRAY! MY! MOM! IS! FREE!!!

I was telling a friend the whole story (the story I'm not telling you) and I had it memorized. I really could write it all down right now and turn it in for Maya to edit and publish and maybe make a few grand and have critiques hate it, but I'd have a cover and a copyright thingy and it would be awesome. My friend was like, "Whoa. That sounds like something out of a movie." And really, it is. But it would probably be a movie I wouldn't like. I'd maybe give it a C- and Ebert would probably give it a thumbs down. But fuck Ebert. He sucks anyway.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I'm back and it's a brand new year!

Hello all! Have you missed me? Well, I've missed you.

Let's start this blog by saying that with the start of the new year brings change, and I'm not sure how much I want to tell you people, but things are sorta weird for me right now. If you're confused, well good. You deserve to be! I am most of the time. So again, if there's long periods of time where I don't blog, don't give me crap (Mark!). But don't you worry. When I do blog, I'll still be the crazy, boyfriendless self-indulgent bitch you all came to love through this here said blog.

With that said, I hope everyone is having a Happy New Year!

Peace to you all. (not ya'll)